The Chemo Cha Cha
One of the big lessons I’m learning in receiving Chemo is that the whole experience is like a dance.
It feels as if the partners in this dance are my body (that physically feels the impact of the chemicals) and my spirit/mind (that has some influence on how I deal with the physical).
The tempo and moves in the Chemo Cha Cha can vary from moment to moment depending on which part of me leads and which part follows. No matter what, it is impossible to predict ahead what the dance will look like in any future moment.
Both my body and my mind need to stay present and feel the beat and then move in a way that will serve the dance, making it as seamless as possible.
My mind/spirit needs to respect my body and dance with it not against it. For the dance to be seamless, there must be a willingness to be in the moment which does not allow for forcing or resisting.
Forcing a particular dance move in the Chemo Cha-Cha has been my unfortunate tendency at times. Since I have a history of wanting to be in control so an outcome or timing will match my ultimate desire, I can tend to become attached to a series of dance moves to go in a certain way, especially if that series of moves had occurred previously with success.
I have failed repeatedly in using this method and am beginning to see that with each Chemo treatment, new challenging steps can be introduced. I cannot keep up with the music if I am using moves from three weeks ago in an attempt to reproduce a dance that will never happen exactly in the same way again.
As I continue to dance my own personal Chemo Cha Cha, I will do my best to be present in each moment, to be as graceful as possible and learn some new moves along the way that may be useful in other dances after Chemo.