The Elusivity of Desire
As a healthy person (pre-cancer and pre-chemo) desire made regular appearances in my life.
For me, having desire was a healthy sign of being alive and engaged with the world. My desires gave me a feeling of being aligned with my purpose and provided me with something to dream about as well as guidance on where I could best spend my time and energy.
Desire and energy have always been equal partners. One could not exist without the other. Sometimes desire showed up first, other times, energy led the way. Either way, they were the source of my feeling alive and of course, healthy, in every compartment of my life.
One of the unexpected side effects of Chemo was I lost both. On my ickiest of days, I had no desire other than to sleep. Naturally, without desire I also had no energy. What once was a vibrantly healthy and creative human became a very poor impersonator of aliveness.
During this time, I was kind of like a soft drink that sat out on the counter, uncovered for too long and lost all the fizz. Just like a flat Coke is not very appealing, a Kate without fizz is not very pleasing either.
After my last Chemo when I was so severely plagued with fatigue, one day I was curled into my usual fetal position on the sofa, tucked under my cuddly blanket and tried to muster up the energy to get up and walk to the bathroom. It was not an urgent trip, so it took me awhile to get enough ooomph to first sit up and then stand up and eventually move one foot after the another in the direction of the bathroom.
If my thoughts were audible, you would have heard a conversation in my head between my higher-self (the non physical part of me) with my physical self. To begin, my higher-self was encouraging and said “You can do it, Kate”! My fatigued, physical self responded, “But I don’t want to, it’s too hard”! My higher self, which is very compassionate and understanding then responded, “When the desire is strong enough, you will get into action and move. I can wait”.
After another hour or so of procrastinating, sure enough, the desire suddenly became strong enough and now there was a real sense of urgency to not only move, but to move fast. Thankfully, I made it in time.
Once I returned to my comfy nest, I thought how elusive desire and therfore energy/action can be. I also reminded myself that believing I lost my sense of purpose was temorary. I made a mental note at the time that as the chemo-related fatigue and ickniness dissipated, my energy and therefore my desire would return.
As I write this, both my desire and energy are alive and kicking. My fizz is back and when I close my eyes and focus, I can feel bubbles of new ideas building in my mind.
Although I know desire and energy are elusive and they will soon leave me again, I am focusing on being grateful for their presence in my life right now.