Now that the PLAY button for my life has been hit I have resumed living with enthusiasm and joyful action, which means I must not fall asleep and lose sight of why I am even here.
Although I am not completely back to my normal self physically, since I am still dealing with the side effect of weakness in my legs, I am without a doubt, back in the game of life.
What I’m noticing is present now on a regular basis, after being absent for many months is DESIRE. Without desire, I did not care to move, think, read, talk, be entertained or create anything of importance.
As I lived through the whole Chemo experience, there were very few days that I had the desire to do anything. It felt as if there was a disconnect between my mind, my heart, and my body. Individually, these parts of myself worked, albeit in a significantly decreased way and certainly not in harmony with one another, leaving me often feeling as if I had lost myself.
On the flip side, now that DESIRE is back I am motivated to get out out of bed, to move my body, to create new things, to make plans for the future and to engage with others in a meaningful way. The difference desire makes has been literally life-changing.
Now that my mind and my heart are back in the game, my body is doing it’s best to keep on going. There is once again a synergy occurring that keeps my joy tank full so that my enthusiasm for life stays alive and it is that aliveness that brings me even more joy.
Although it may sound a bit cliche, the lesson I am striving to live each day is to not take this glorious life I have for granted but to stay awake and enjoy it and that means ALL of it, even when there are circumstances around me that I may not like.
Living AWAKE to me means that the world does not have to be spinning in perfect rhythm for me to have joy or to feel peaceful.
People around me do not have to behave perfectly for me to be happy.
I do not have to always get my way to be grateful.
Others do not have to read my mind, say the right thing or do what I expect for me to be content or pleased.
The truth is I am in control of pushing the buttons, pulling the levers and making the decisions that manage the machine called my life.
Now that desire is back in full force, I plan on following where it leads me each day. As I surrender to the flow of it, I will also remember what living on PAUSE felt like and will do my best to stay awake so PLAY will be my way as I move on from here.