I find it ironic that having cancer has not disturbed me as much as losing my ability to function normally due to the side-effects of my Chemo treatments. Apparently, my fear of losing control is greater than the fear of losing my life.

As I step back and watch myself navigate this journey, I can honestly say that I am not afraid to die. In fact, there have even been times such as during my hospitalization for kidney failure and severe dehydration after my first Chemo treatment that I seriously considered death as a viable and preferred option.

While in the state of hanging in the balance of my body continuing to function or simply giving up at that time, I was surprised to see how easy it would have been to just surrender to the overwhelming weakness and suffering that affected my body. As I retreated within myself to the core of who I am and imagined what death would be like, I was surprised by how peaceful and easy the perceived preview felt. There was no big fanfare, blinding lights or a loud musical crescendo to signal my departure. It felt easy and natural as if it is all just part of the course.

As it turned out, I easily gave up the idea of surrendering to death since my desire for more fun adventures in this life was stronger than sitting amongst the angels playing harps. (Apparently, it was also not my time)

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, those days of feeling overcome by weakness, causing me to temporairily forget that I am made of more than sugar, spice and everything nice have occurred more often than I would prefer.

Perhaps my ego is smarting from the sting of being reminded of my own physical humanity rather than purely seeing myself as an eternal spiritual being. In some strange way I am given comfort by knowing both perspectives are true.

Many times when I speak of surrender to my clients, I offer the perspective of it being more of an absence of resistance rather than an act of giving up or giving in. I also like to think of surrendering as meeting what is present in any given moment mindfully since that feels more aligned with peaceful acceptance of what we cannot change. Peace always feels better than suffering, so it is always the obvious choice for me.

So if I take my own advice as I move along this journey, the next time I feel my knees buckling and unable to hold myself up, I will remind myself to allow my spirit to hold me up on its own while I wait for my body to regain it’s strength.


  1. I believe in my heart that Judi reached that moment of peace and surrendered her life because she could not go on. I sat with her when she died and it was peaceful. She had no fear, but much physical pain. God reached out and Judi took his hand. Kate, your missives are wonderful. Lots of love coming from Dubuque.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing, Art. What a lovely thought it is to hold that Judi allowed herself to surrender to peace. I appreciate all your loving support. Every word helps me to move forward. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I read this morning “Being positive is not a matter of wishing or pretending for life to be good. Rather, it is digging the best outcomes out of even the worst circumstances.” Immediately I thought of you and how strong you’ve been through all of this. One day at a time sweet friend, I’ll continue to pray for your strength. Hugs 🥰

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “…peaceful acceptance of what we cannot change.A. You’re amazing. B. You’re inspiring. C. This is just what I needed to read today. Enough about me!! Ha ha. Love you, my dear friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wonderful news that you may meet the day with peaceful acceptance! Thank you for being such a huge support on this journey. ❤


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