I find it ironic that having cancer has not disturbed me as much as losing my ability to function normally due to the side-effects of my Chemo treatments. Apparently, my fear of losing control is greater than the fear of losing my life.
As I step back and watch myself navigate this journey, I can honestly say that I am not afraid to die. In fact, there have even been times such as during my hospitalization for kidney failure and severe dehydration after my first Chemo treatment that I seriously considered death as a viable and preferred option.
While in the state of hanging in the balance of my body continuing to function or simply giving up at that time, I was surprised to see how easy it would have been to just surrender to the overwhelming weakness and suffering that affected my body. As I retreated within myself to the core of who I am and imagined what death would be like, I was surprised by how peaceful and easy the perceived preview felt. There was no big fanfare, blinding lights or a loud musical crescendo to signal my departure. It felt easy and natural as if it is all just part of the course.
As it turned out, I easily gave up the idea of surrendering to death since my desire for more fun adventures in this life was stronger than sitting amongst the angels playing harps. (Apparently, it was also not my time)
At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, those days of feeling overcome by weakness, causing me to temporairily forget that I am made of more than sugar, spice and everything nice have occurred more often than I would prefer.
Perhaps my ego is smarting from the sting of being reminded of my own physical humanity rather than purely seeing myself as an eternal spiritual being. In some strange way I am given comfort by knowing both perspectives are true.
Many times when I speak of surrender to my clients, I offer the perspective of it being more of an absence of resistance rather than an act of giving up or giving in. I also like to think of surrendering as meeting what is present in any given moment mindfully since that feels more aligned with peaceful acceptance of what we cannot change. Peace always feels better than suffering, so it is always the obvious choice for me.
So if I take my own advice as I move along this journey, the next time I feel my knees buckling and unable to hold myself up, I will remind myself to allow my spirit to hold me up on its own while I wait for my body to regain it’s strength.